Vipassana - July 2010

I kept this diary beginning on day 5 of the 10 day - 10 hours a day -

Vipasssana meditation course and some people have asked me to share it with everyone mostly because I can't quite articulate verbally what actually happened in my experience....I'm not sure that these diary entries will really give anyone a better understanding but I'm hoping that I will know more about it by the end of it!!!! lol

WARNING THIS PAGE IS AS LONG AS A DISSERTATION!

DAY 5

I'm sitting in my bed after the last meditation in the Dhamma Hall. I've managed to sneak some contra-ban (paper - actually brown paper bags meant for sanitary disposal!). I very nearly walked today...in the meditation hall, one of the 'smiling assassins' - AKA the managers - came over to me and asked me to put my feet in - even though the assistant teachers said it'd be ok for me to do so, as long as they weren't facing them! Nothing to do with Vipassana and everything to do with customs in Asia!

I had no idea how much of a strain it'd be on my legs and back. I was given a back rest which I used until today - I'm at the back now with all the other cripples!!!! lol I've gotta laugh! I miss Maysie and

Pegsie and Karikins and Joshie and Seanie. I want to say soooooo much. So the plan is this: Wake up at 4am as normal, shower and 'meditate' in my room, instead of on the plastic garden chair in the Dhamma Hall that I've been assigned cos I just can't keep my legs crossed....I'll be able to get it all off my chest then! Now just gotta find somewhere to hide the paper...lawd of mercy! lol

DAY 6

Just had a shower and dressed...everyone's gone to the hall or stayed in their rooms and judging by the snoring the other day, for the ones who've stayed, it's probably not for meditation!!!! lol I've only got 4 paper bags so I'd better get on with it!

Got to Gloucester station on 21st July and after having a cuppa in the cafe, went outside to see if the bus had arrived to take us straight to Dhamma Dipa. I met a nice man that I almost stepped on! I apologised and we got talking and it turned out that he was doing the 10 day meditation course too. He's also a musician - bless him. Anyway we got the bus from the station with lots of others and arrived. The centre is in the middle of farmland and would take at least an hour or two to escape from it on foot!!!! lol The entrance was filled with flowers either side ofthe staircase. Entering the doors, I expected it to be more 'hotel-like' but instead there was an office behind a glass front and a kitchen. There were two doors ahead. The left door was for males to enter and the right for women. We entered trepidatiously only to find that it led into the same dining room! Over in the far right corner was a sign saying Female Registration. I made my way over there with a girl I'd been speaking to on the bus. She'd just come back from 9 months travelling around Latin America. Doing this meditation course for her was a way of filling in the 2 weeks she had spare before returning to work. She was in for a rude awakening cos I noticed that by day 2 her meditation mat was vacant - she was out of there! Anyway I registered and by her accent, I recognised the manager who was dealing with me, as Spanish and said "¿Erés española?" she said "si" I smiled and said "Oh, hablo español" y nada! Not even the flicker of a smile! Anyway she told me what room I'd have and directed me to where it was. I went there....to the newly built E Block to room number 7. It was nice, basic but nice. I'd made friends with Sharmaine, Lucinda, Rosemary and Holly in the dining room during registration and by pure synchronicity we were all neighbours in the block. We chatted away, talking about the things we were into and laughed - in hysteria mostly! lol....and all got on like a house on fire. Then we were given a delicious bowl of soup and after that, it began.

Silence.

That was quite surreal cos I'd only just met these lovely ladies and already we had to pretend not to know each other! It's a bit like the way most people live in urban areas, head down, no eye contact only

there's no threat - externally anyway! We were given a lecture on what would be happening and how to conduct ourselves....no speaking, no gesticulating, working as though we were alone, and general things like laundry and the notice board etc.

We were led to the Dhamma Hall and in silence all stood on a white mat waiting for our name to be called. It was very strange but I'd decided to commit and surrender to all the rules in order to, as Goenka so often said "...give it fair trial..." My name was called and I entered this massive but cosy and carpeted hall. The other manager was standing by and pointing to my assigned spot on the floor.

Without speech or instruction, we all began meditating for about an hour and then watched the discourse...Goenka speaking about the Vipassana course. I was so uncomfortable and thought 'how am I going to be able to meditate when my body is so uncomfortable?' I decided to make an appointment with the assistant teachers the following day in order to be able to sit by the wall. We went back to our rooms after the discourse and it was lights out by 9.30pm.

On day 2 I went to the assistant teachers and spoke to them about my back and one of them said "I don't want you to sit against the wall" God knows why cos there were others doing it...anyway she suggested a back rest and I gratefully accepted it and thanked her. I used it the following day and OMG what a difference, so much so that I nodded off a few times in the hot and drowsy hall...

...Day 3. Whilst walking outside the hall on the green at the time when you could go and ask questions to the assistant teachers, I was approached by the shaven headed manager. She walked over slowly and got very close to my ear and whispered: "In about half and hour, the assistant teachers want to see you." I immediately thought 'what have I done or not done????' I calmed myself down and went to see them. They were sitting on their meditation stools and before them on the ground was a blue block of foam for the students to sit on. I walked down the side of the hall towards them and smiling, one of them gesticulated for me to sit on the foam. I sat down and they asked "How do you think your practice is going?" I thought 'Oh great, it's about the back rest' and said "Yeah really well actually.....that back rest is brilliant!" One of them said "Did you fall asleep yesterday?" I thought 'oh shit!' and I said "I think I Might have." She continued "...could it have been you who was snoring?!" I said "Yes, that's

a definite possibility" They both smiled and gave me advice to do the loud breathing in order to stay awake. I asked about being able to stretch my legs out due to sciatica and one of them said "Oh you didn't mention that in your form!" So I explained that not ever having sat in one position for 2 hours before, I could never have known that it would've been a problem until I'd experienced it. They said it'd be fine as long as I didn't have my feet facing them.

I came out of there thinking about how I'd started to persecute myself after the manager gave me the message about seeing them.

What a laugh about being able to stretch my legs out cos the shaven headed one came over and told me to put them in again! It angered me for 2 reasons. 1. because I'd asked for permission and 2. all the girls around me had their legs stretched out. It was clear to see my legs cos the girl in front had left...at least that's what I'm choosing to think the reason was! I was really upset cos miss Spain and I had already had this conversation twice before. So I pulled my legs in and cried my way through it....this, all in the midst of '...focusing your attention on the small triangular area of the face where the nostrils begin, rising to the top....' Suffice it to say that I wanna stop thinking about it now and now that I've acknowledged that there has been a disservice done to me and an injustice occurred because of it, I can now take it out of my head.

I decided last night that whilst 10 hours of meditation would've been amazing, the circumstances dictate that this isn't conducive for me to thrive...it's a shame cos I did throw myself right into it 100%. So rather than be uncomfortable in a garden chair and more than that, the stress of paranoia, wondering if I'm doing something wrong, I am going to come back to my room and meditate with paper and pen :D

The Practice

It was physically challenging at first but when I had established a comfortable position, I was actually able to see a progression. 10 days is great but this is lifetime work so I'm not driving myself mad about getting it all down now. Noble silence has been fine though bought up quite a few things....especially comparing myself to everyone else. How critical I have been, how judgemental. I've made plenty of assumptions about some of these women who I've never even spoken to...thinking to myself things like '...look at her, she thinks she's so spiritual, so godessy, so pure, so natural, so sweet, so greedy, so grabby, so beautiful, so entitled, so judging me, so critical of me......ad infinitum! Then it came to me at lunch one day (observing the ego trying to hook me in) IT'S ALL ME! I already know that but this week I've been in observer mode 24/7. I haven't had the usual distractions, any distractions and I'm not quite sure why it felt like a eureka moment but it did. In observation of my chattering mind, I've found Louise Hay and Eckhart Tolle's words the most soothing and effective at bringing me back.

At one point the real object of my ego's wrath was the española. She looks like a skinny version of Jasmine's Olivia, with glasses. Very officious, very important. There to uphold rules and regulations. Always looking, always checking to see who's offending. She was really grinding my gears - the anal retentive fashion with which she went about things. I know it was ego bollocks and knew it was all me and my creation. I knew the only way out was love. So I've chosen to view her as a child who is so eager to help and be liked. She doesn't smile because she's been asked not to. She doesn't make polite conversation cos that's not her job. I began to see her with compassionate eyes and she has become on of the reasons this has been such a beneficial experience for me.

Thank God for Eckhart who has taught me what Goenka is now re-teaching me...it's very reinforcing and is crystalising lots of intellectual knowledge and making it experientially true for me. It's been amazing to me how much my mind wants to distract itself. It can be content being still and the next thing it's off again....I would've never known that so clearly were it not for coming here and doing this.

I struggled the first few days, missing everyone, knowing that was my distraction from doing the work! The irony! I want it...I don't want it...I want it...I don't want it. That wasn't sitting right with me at

all! I'd asked for and arranged this trip which I was now on, wishing I was some where else! The ego AGAIN! Like Marianne Williamson says 'the darkness always matches the light' I knew I had to un-jumble this in my mind, yet no writing! Everything happens perfectly and yet again the rebel comes to the rescue! Fuck the rules! I understand them and why they're there but I needed some Divine interruption...some psychic untangling urgently. To separate the pure from the impure. Clarity. Writing always gives me that. I know that's an attachment but hey I choose to be attached right now and until such times as I can't write, I'll carry on. This helps me.

Goenka talks a lot about purity of mind and this resonated with me - thinking about 5 element acupuncture - the small intestine/emperor relationship. I'm on this spiritual course in a lovely location with like minded people yet I was spending most of my time wishing I was home, criticising others here, feeling persecuted by the Vipassana police etc. Not a good use of my time. My spirit has been whispering:"Be here now!" Just seeing that written down helps me. Be here now. I was trying so hard to send -all those I'd criticised - love that I became frustrated cos it just wasn't happening....I couldn't feel anything except disingenuous and unauthentic and as a result, ended up sending nothing. I decided to focus on Maya and Peggy, they always make my heart smile and slowly but surely, I'm coming back.

I broke my silence yesterday by telling Lucinda about almost walking. She didn't speak but gesticulated that she was glad I didn't. 70% of communication is non-verbal and I had the actual experience of it during those 10 days. You are constantly communicating with body language and it's quite an amazing thing to observe. Gonna have a wee and then sprawl out on the bed and wait for the lunch time gong :D

Just got back from a lovely vegetarian lunch of rice and vegetables and a brew. Better get back over to them loos again if I wanna carry on writing! I just hope the Vipassana police don't do a spot check of the rooms!!! lol

I realised something having breakfast this morning and that was that I've been holding my stomach in whilst eating!?! I like to sit in front of the window in the dining room and a lot of the bright, young ones with their amazing figures and fabulous clothes often go outside with their meals to eat. I've obviously been so totally absorbed with everyone else that subconsciously I began to hold my own stomach in. That's really amazing, not knowing you're thinking something but your body responding to the thought anyway. These are the levels of the mind that Goenka has spoken about. It was only my stomach's tension that alerted me to this fact. Then I saw my dad and his criticisms and I've unearthed

another stalk to be plucked from my mind. So today - as spiritual practice - I consciously stuck my belly out and accepted it as it is. As though holding it in would make a difference anyway!!!! lol

I feel like the opposite of people who say things like 'it was great when I was there, it's just coming back to my real life will be thechallenge.' I've done so well in my every day life, plucking stalks out of my mind that I wonder sometimes what it is I'm doing here! I know that is a ridiculous statement to make cos I can see a plethora of reasons for being here, not least to see so many men on their own

spiritual journeys. I needed to see that :D The most important thing: BEING HERE NOW and being GENTLE with myself.

Just got back from 'operation brown bag' lol Only managed to get 2 and there's only 3 left. Hope they're gonna replenish the supply soon!!! lol I feel so much better having written about it. The thing is, I'd haveno needs if my need were met and sadly they weren't so this is my way of meeting my own need to be heard, even if it's on a brown sanitary bag!!!! lol

Being here has certainly made me evaluate my style of spirituality. It suits me, the eclectic approach. I'm not a 'hard line' anything, nor do I ever wanna be. I respect those who have chosen to live their lives in those bubbles of ideals but it's too restrictive for me. I look around at many of the people here and they're screaming. It's as though they think if I just meditate harder/longer/ more etc., then I'll know the

answers and then I'll be happy. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I am so pleased to have brought myself so far. I'm not there yet but I am glad I did it my way...I feel a song coming on!!!! lol

My own mortality has been brought up cos of Goenka talking about impermanence and Buddha's life and past lives and it does sadden me to think that it'll be over one day. Actually I've felt a lot of sadness

rise to the surface and have had many a tearful outburst in the midst of meditation. It's ok. I reassure myself and take myself by the hand and lead myself back to the love within. All is well and I am so grateful to have this free - well not so free but - time to reflect on my journey so far, away from the hustle and bustle of my life. Time for rest.

I've just had a shite and I'm holding on today! Probably all the emotion of the last few days. The food thing has been fine. I am hungry now and have an apple, orange (and banana if I'm lucky) waiting for me at dinner. I've almost grown accustomed to feeling hungry going to bed. It's uncomfortable but if there's one thing this course is teaching me it's about non-reaction...Perfect equanimity! I'm just noticing it, whatever comes up, just observing. I'm quite impressed with myself today though. I did the entire body without being distracted...I love it....the whole sense of timelessness but I actually think I can feel my brain growing! lol

So much of what makes a time enjoyable are the social aspects with people - especially ones you like! That's what makes it such a challenge; everyone with their faces to the floor. NOBODY smiling. It's weird. Yes, ultimately you are only ever with yourself but human beings need sociability in order to be healthy and happy. It's made me even more grateful for the life that I have created for myself. I do want some things to change of course but on the whole I do love it. I spent the last part of the meditation chanting 'Thank You' remembering Eckhart saying "..if you only ever say one prayer, let it be thank

you..." When my mind starts doodling I can bring it back with Thank You and I feel much lighter and able to give. I'm in process and it's all good.

It's 9.30pm. Just got into bed. Something quite amazing happened this evening. My foot began to itch and I scratched it. Then I thought, no let me observe the sensation - knowing it will rise and fall. I managed to do and I'm so proud of myself that I could. YAY! I'm definitely getting the hang of this sensation malarky :D

DAY 7

It's 5.40am and I've showered, creamed and dressed. Goenka talks a lot about cravings and aversion. A lot of what he's teaching I've either heard of before or am familiar with but as good old Louise says - and I'm paraphrasing here - There's nothing like different teachers saying the same thing! It's so true. Perhaps it has to do with how much you can absorb at any one time or the readiness to be able to hear it. I've learned a lot about the deep spiritual things he speaks about and have found myself using my own lexicon in order to really understand. Craving and aversion to me, are levels of poverty thinking.

Constant wanting brings more wanting and dislike of things brings more dislike of things. It's a bit more than the law of attraction because you are being asked simply to observe but in observation you recognise the craving or aversion for the sensations you are wanting or not wanting to experience. This is obviously transferable to other aspects of life like relationships or career etc. and I absolutely love its practicality.

I haven't had a fag, obviously and it doesn't bother me but I must say when I think of being with the famo (and Sarah springs to mind for some reason) I wonder if I'll want it or not. I probably will - I don't think I've plucked that stalk from my mind just yet but when I'm ready to...boy! It's a future event and I am not wasting this present moment wondering. In spite of the turmoil I've felt here, I do actually feel

equipped to be able to deal with anything - especially things like that.....smoking really is such a small thing to deal with. I actually question whether if it even is a craving. I can easily go without it but

enjoy what it represents. I just had a vision of leading a guided meditation with the nieces and nephews!

GROUP

I'm so grateful that I listened to the voice within and came here. It's teaching me such a lot. It's confirming a lot. It's reconfirming a lot too. It's presenting things in a fresh way. In a way that I am able to utilise. It's also giving me a new approach to my meditation practice - which I've been asking for. I am going to incorporate it into my day - morning definitely. I need to figure out the best time in the evening but I'd like to do it twice a day - 2 half hours to start with - fuck me, if I can do 10 hours a day, 2 half hours has got to be a piece of piss!!!! lol Gotta stretch back!

God! It just ain't happening today. My mind is not wanting to do what Goenka is saying. So I've come up with something else. What ever part of the body is asking, I put my attention there. This is completely NOT what I'm being asked to do but it keeps the attention focused on the body and that's gotta be good.

In the hall we're called up in groups of 5 and asked certain questions about our practice. Today it was: Can you give simultaneous attention to both sides of the body and do you feel your equanimity is improving? Now when he says equanimity does he mean objectivity? In other words non-reaction? I said yes to both anyway - I didn't want to get into a whispering dialogue before the remaining meditators in the Dhamma hall!!! lol When everyone's answered, you sit there in meditation for about 5 minutes and then you are told to return to your spot. I went back to the garden chair for a few minutes and then hot-footed it back to my room.

I've just come back from lunch and there was a flap-jacky/coconut slice which I'm saving for dinner. Gonna slurp the rest of the tea, take the cup back to the dining hall and have a nap....ahhhh. I do feel that I've regressed a bit. It's been sooo nice to have meals cooked for me, no cleaning to do - a real break from physical chores, except laundry, a real break from thinking about the material things of life. Though turning the mind inward for such long periods of time is so exhausting in ways you can't describe except to say that after meditation the bones click and creak and the brain has grown! lol It's

something that needs experiencing for true appreciation.

I'm back now from the 2.30-3.30 group meditation in the hall...it's the new male students turn to go up in their groups of 5 and answer questions :D It's 4pm - only an hour before dinner. I am looking forward to having pasta, courgettes, pecorino, beetroot and mayo when I get back..yum yum. Actually talking of getting back, I'm back at 2pm and I thought I'd ask Seanie if he'd run me to Sainsburys to get some basics. It keeps running through my mind that Maya's organising some sort of homecoming party! Maybe not but if she is, that buggers up my plans for a candle-lit bath and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan blasting out! All is well and happening perfectly. What ever happens will be fantastic. I'm so excited to hear all about Maya's job induction. Bless my baby girl's heart! She wanted that job in that location and everything. I'm so proud of her and love her so much. I'm so excited to see Peggy too. I only have to see Maya and Pegsie's faces in my mind's eye and I melt. I'm sending them both a rainbow of joy and happiness.

It's bed-time now and my writing's evening more illegible than usual cos I sliced the top of my thumb off at dinner, cutting the apple up. You have to line up either side of a long table and help yourself to either a hot lemon drink for the older students or fruit for the new ones. After the fruit bowl there's a chopping board with 1 or 2 sharp knives on it and cos there's a queue behind you, you wanna get done as soon as possible. It was with that intention that cut my thumb. Miraculously, I didn't get any blood on anything and didn't tell anyone either...I'm already famous for all the wrong reasons and I definitely didn't wanna add to it!!!! lol When I sat down and took the kitchen roll sheet off of it to get a good look at it, I realised that it was dead straight across the top and I'd actually sliced the top of it off! God only knows where the top of it ended up??!!!!! lol OMG I perish the thought - hopefully it'd have ended up on the floor and not in somebody's fruit bowl!!!! lol What a carry on! Anyhoo, being the ever prepared Virgo that I am, I went to my trusty medicine chest and taped it up. Gotta sleep, more tomorrow :D

DAY 8

The great thing about Vipassana is that you can do it all the time. Observe the sensation with no reaction, objectively.

I sit in the Dhamma hall and look out - when I'm supposed to have my eyes shut - at all these meditators, about a hundred of them all looking peaceful, all seeming serene and it looks quite amazing....then I wonder how they are when life throws them some shit - how serene are they then? That part slightly annoys me, well no, annoy is the wrong word...the notion of - as Goenka said on day 1: '....major surgery is occurring...' Yes you have all of the answer's inside of you and you must deal with your own misery but I think that some additional support would be ideal. For example, if something comes to the surface for someone, who's repressed a traumatic event, there needs to be some form of guidance through it...even if that only means just sitting in silence with someone observing the sensations - to feel supported and not alone. I've noticed some tears falling from people's eyes, including my own and I wonder about The Dhamma Brothers documentary. Didn't they have support? I really want to see that and watch the interview that Oprah has with the author again.....I can't wait to see BB and what's happened with John James and Josie??!!!! I feel like I've been away for months....

Just got back from the Dhamma hall and I shouldn't have been looking but there is one fitty there. He keeps looking at me and doing that 'flapping' thing that men do when they want your attention. He's a bit young and short but beautiful eye candy anyway! yum yum :D

For me the timing hasn't felt right...not in terms of the time of year to come, but the schedule of work....I've done a lot of meditation work in my life and I could've done with less ananpana and more

Vipassana...in other words, 2 days less noticing the breath and 2 days more noticing the sensation! I do totally get why it's done as it is, it just didn't suit me. I don't know what the day is! I don't know if it's

Thursday or Friday - just that it's day 8. I have kicked and screamed a bit, it's understandable. I am human after all - but I've managed to pull myself to pieces (as Tom Keating used to say! lol) and found my own rhythm and have let the Sankara of persecution drift away into the nothingness from whence it came...at least this layer of it anyway :D It never ceases to amaze me how all these spiritual teachings are saying the same thing! What's even more astonishing is that despite that fact, most humans don't get it and make up their own shite - the bible being a classic example.

I know some of my ladies are thinking 'ENOUGH ALREADY!' and their Noble Silence is gradually going out the window. I'm getting glances like 'For fucks sake, ain't it day 10 yet?!!' Two have even said sorry out loud to me! It does make me laugh cos most people really thought I wouldn't be able to hack the silence aspect of this and don't get me wrong, I'd have loved to have had a chat with someone...actually I'd have loved to have been in a luxury spa in Italy with the femmes of the famo but alas....back to reality. I saw it as an experiment and that's how I've taken it...to see how I'd feel. I think if I were ever to do this again though, it'd have to be in another country....California would be nice :D

I'm observing the ego as it makes tempting and salivating pictures in my mind. I can see it trying to move me off of this present moment. I can see it trying to tantalize me away from now. If my mind were devoid of insight or wisdom, I'd have let myself be dragged straight down that road as I have already this week...the road to hell! Thankfully I can see it and it diminishes with the light of the present moment once again. Nap and lunch.

Just woke up from my nap and went to the loo. When I was washing my hands Lucinda came in and gave that look as if to say 'Have you got a gun?!' I whispered "2 more days to go babe." She went into a cubicle and came straight out laughing and whispering "It's like ground-hog day!" Well I laughed and laughed....I'm laughing now thinking about trying so hard not to let anyone hear us. I told her about chopping the top of my thumb off but not knowing where it'd ended up and we laughed some more. Like she said, laughter is such a release and feels so good. She also said "I find this easy to do but everyone's walking round with a face like a slapped arse!" we continued laughing! The gong's going for afternoon meditation.

I'm back and still laughing about earlier. I just saw the guy who I'd nearly stepped on at Gloucester station coming out of his side of the hall. He gave me a cheeky smile - I was already smiling from earlier but smiled back....I get the impression that he's gagging to talk about this!

I don't wanna dis it cos I actually think it's wicked. I just find it really funny at the same time. I mean I know it's not Auschwitz but I'm kinda feeling that I can relate a bit!!!! lol I go between concentration camp victim and Anne Frank...what with the secret writing and the constant fear that the Vipassana police are about to find you out!!!! lol I've gone backwards a bit now. I wanna fag, a drink, a laugh, a social life.....Oh my God....let me NEVER EVER again say that I have no social life!!!!! lol

This place is the gift that keeps on giving!!! lol Often, it would seem, for unexpected reasons and if only to remind me of what I already do have! It's so funny, I've got my window open cos it gets as hot as hell in here and I've just heard an English guy's voice. The guy in Dhamma hall is Burmese and he does this speech that I think is really cute. It goes something like: '....Would all da new female students remain in da Dhamma hall to meditate for some time. The remaining students can meditate in da cells, Dhamma hall or in your rooms...new female students remain for some time.' Bless him.

I think Lucinda was right about being able to speak on day 10 :D I didn't want to get my hopes up but I remember Goenka saying that we would get a balm to soothe the wound of the deep surgery we'd done on our minds after the 8-9 meditation.....I hope it's a G & T....or Pimms...either one is fine!!!! lol

It's tea and apple time in a mo. Not peanut butter jelly time sadly ) : Oh well be grateful for even that...at least I've got protection for my thumb today! Lucinda's a fucker! Every time I see her now, she smiles and it makes me want to crease up laughing...it doesn't take much at the best of times! She'd left the dining room and I thought she was going up to the green by the hall but I found her brushing her teeth (she'd gone in the far entrance) We both started quietly laughing cos someone was showering. I had a bit of a 'Tena lady' moment and had to run - toothbrush in hand - into the toilet cubicle...I continued laughing and had to wait until everyone had left before me and my toothbrush could emerge!!!! lol

It's time for evening meditation. I think I'll continue visualising winning the Ivor Novello and Grammy and best album of the year and save the sensations til I'm at home :D Oh Home. Home sweet home. Music! Piano! Guitar! Logic! Mac! Thank you for all of it. A wood pigeon gave me a melody for a song that I'll write when I get back...though I can't quite remember it now but I do have the lyrics for a first verse or chorus :D

DAY 9

I've had a shower and bloody - pardon the punn - cut myself shaving! What is it with me and being angry at not following my own rules?!!!! It's the irony of being here...at home it would've been completely different. I do feel quite fearful here. Apart from the fact that they're so disciplinarian and the managers...well, what can I say?! They're always watching, always waiting to pounce, always looking for something flawed. I feel like someone's always watching me. Even when I'm walking down the corridor to the toilet! Yesterday morning, after showering, I was walking back to my room and it was still quite dark. I had the thought 'this is spooky - all I need now is for someone to come out of their room!' No sooner had the thought occurred to me, than a woman (who has a particularly scary look anyway) opened up her door at precisely the moment I passed it! Fucking hell! It shit the life out of me.

I feel like a fish out of water....having to follow rules made by others. I feel like this experience is showing me something I'll only truely discover with hindsight. That's why I'll be glad to go home. I've learned a lot here as it is but can't help thinking about The Wizard of Oz and going outside of yourself only to discover it was there, inside all along. Persecution keeps coming to mind and all the talk about Sankaras and past lives makes me wonder if this experience of being or feeling persecuted goes deeper than just being told off cos my face don't fit...Could be that too?! I mean I don't look like the quintessential spiritual seeker. For a start I'm twice the size of everyone here, both vertically and horizontally! Let alone being a non-conformist to boot! It doesn't sit right with me. I know sometimes it's in my best interests but I've always gone against the grain especially if it hasn't felt right to me....I trust my own intuition and that is what I let guide me. Gonna lie down til brekky - starvin marvin!!! lol

Just got back from morning meditation. What I love about Vipassana is the depth of it. Listening to the instructions from Goenka talking about why not reacting is so important is nothing new to my ears but the way in which he puts it AND that there's a practical way of dealing with things, just thrills me. I thought back to the bout of sciatica - where I lost my mind for 2 days. I reacted SO much. I was being persecuted (there it is again!) I made it last so much longer than it needed to last...God love me! I did the best I could with the tools I had and I am so grateful that I can walk now - Thank God!

If it weren't for the Vipassana police and the feelings of constant paranoia around them, I'd have stayed in the hall and done very well but it wasn't meant to be and not only that, I work much better on my own and more importantly, at my own pace :D I am gagging to do pilates, oh wonderful pilates....who'd have thunk it!!!! lol My back has been concertina-ed since I've been here and I know I'm not the only one. Everyone's feeling it. It would be really good to get mastery of my body. I want it to feel light and breezy as it deserves to. I know I'm still learning some lessons and that I am in process. Like a school where I am setting the curriculum and how long the classes take, God knows when the pennies will drop!!!! lol I stand by this though and I am at peace. I prefer my own time scale and if it takes 20 years, so be it....if it happens over-night, so be it. I will maintain perfect equanimity :D

Just got back from lunch. Gonna write for a bit and then take the obligatory nap until group meditation in the hall at 2.30pm :D It's quite strange getting up so early cos everything is up the wall - I'm usually going to bed when I'm getting up here! I'll be glad not to nap...I'm all napped out if I'm honest..once in a while is fine but as a regular thing...nah! SO much yin energy. I'm used to yanging it...this is another reason I am a fish out of water.

I saw Lucinda in the loo earlier but we weren't alone and she mimed to me that she wanted to kill someone...she said she was having a really bad day. She was waiting to get into a cubicle but someone came straight through the door and walked right into the cubicle...we laughed. Even the scary faced woman laughed! I went back to my room and as I approached my door, Lucinda (who is next door) poked her head out of her door and said "You wouldn't have anything to read would you?!!" I tried to answer with 'the Vipassana leaflet???' but I got into hysterics and actually couldn't verbalise ANYTHING!!!!!! lol Forbidden laughter is the best cos it's on tap. She was knocking on the wall earlier, by way of amusing herself - such was her desperation! Of course I knocked a rhythm back and we continued to and fro.

It's nearly dinner time :D I think it's the restrictions that I find most challenging. I'm used to doing what I want, not what I'm told to do! Anyhoo, roll on tomorrow and let the laughs begin!!!! lol

I'm in bed now. Earlier, when I went to put my shoes on at the door, I'd knocked on Lucinda's door on the way. She came out and put hers on too and we waited by the door for the dinner time gong to sound. She looked out of the window and all the regular ones, who are always first in the queue, were waiting outside for the gong as well. She said "Look at them; all out there waiting for the gong, they can't wait....they're all going insane!" I started laughing again and sitting in the dining hall with my apple, orange and banana, I got into shoulder-shrugging hysterics again simply because the woman next to me was having so much trouble cutting her apple with a blunt dinner knife....I got it under control until we got into the meditation hall because the same woman who made me laugh at dinner, sits next to me on 'cripples row' in the hall. It only took for me to see some old students (Martha and Sally) in hysterics and that was it! Then my neighbour was at it...I soon sobered up when the smiling assassins came in with the assistant teacher. I mean it's no advert for Vipassana, walking around either with a face like a slapped arse or with eyes closed...it's a wonder they get anything done in the dark like that!!!! lol

DAAAAAAAAAY TENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

It's 5.10am and I've showered, creamed and brushed and my vision's gone funny again. I haven't had the migraney thing since I've been here - until now. I noticed a little squiggle of light and thought 'right, let me sit with this' So I closed my eyes and it's not a squiggle of light any more, it's floodlights!!!! lol I'm struggling on trying to write though! lol Fancy them coming into my life now.

I cannot believe the amount and intensity of fear that has come up these past 10 days. I wonder if it's old deep, dormant Sankaras that have been given an opportunity to rise to the surface now? I hope so....that'd be great. All I know now is that my ego is trying all it can to stay alive - God love it! Like at night, I've been having some funky, fucked-up images in my head of things I don't even watch on tv, let alone create myself in my spare time! lol For example the other night I thought of a wizened old woman - like the one from Hornimans Museum - having one of her eye sockets eaten out by maggots! AND last night (after Sean telling me about an alien abduction film called The 4th kind or dimension or whatever it's called) I was settling down and heard "ta-twit-a-woo" and thought 'shit are aliens coming to abduct me?...what if I pulled the curtain back and found and owl staring back a me?!' SHIT! I quickly went to my 'switch to' image of Seanie and Maysie turning up here tomorrow with a Qashquai they'd bought with their lottery winnings and me driving them back to London.

The migrane is a bit better but I'm gonna put my head down before breakfast :D Today, after morning meditation, no more noble silence YAY! :D But don't know if the routine remains the same...we'll see.

Just got back from brekky. I went outside and Holly was alone, sitting on the bench. She smiled at me and I made my way over to sit next to her. I whispered "Don't worry, we'll have a good old chin wag about this in a bit" More people arrived and at one point we all burst out laughing! It's just got like that now. Going for morning meditation now...see what the new instructions are??!!!

It's 1.35pm and there's frolicking a plenty out there...what a difference when people are allowed to talk and laugh. We were told that we could get our mobiles out of the lockers but as soon as I switched mine on, it switched itself off! Everyone had their phones except me and a few others. Deniz has an ericsson like me so I asked around and nobody had a charger we could use. I asked the shaven headed manager if I could put a notice on the board and she said that I could (WOW!) Within 5 minutes a guy came over and said "I've got a charger" Woo-Hoo. So here I am, waiting for it to charge and writing - probably for the last time while I'm here. It's been my salvation if the truth be told. Everyone's outside chatting away, telling their story and it's so nice. Holly is so funny, she's been having me in fits...she's a goat and a leftie so she's alright by me. So I'm just sitting here reflecting on what's been one of the most interesting, difficult, challenging, once in a life time experiences of my life and all I can say is.....TAXI !!!!! lol

Going within when without is pulling so hard...

I am being benevolently eased into the lessons of balance. This is one of the things I love about life. Something happens which is not quite what might have been expected yet by stopping and becoming still the jewel of perspective shines on what is happening. Obviously, sometimes it takes time to gain the clarity but as long as I am kind to myself in the process, then I can learn about what is being presented to me. I am grateful that at the very least, I am seeing it. I don't even know if anyone will ever read this but I trust that if you are reading it, then you must have been lead here by your own inner guidance for some reason. Welcome to the inner life of my mind! The poet Mary Karr wrote: "Your mind's a dangerous neighborhood: don't go there alone." So on that note, I trust that we are not alone and that you'll be able to relate...if not, better run for the hills now!!!! lol


I'm sitting in bed continuing to write my blog 'In The Beginning There Was Music'....this is a lengthy process because I am being required to go back to where it all began and re-live specific times in my life. It's forcing me to stop and reassess where I am now....
I sang on the piano today and my voice is returning to it's sweet self. Hallelujah! Since bringing the songs out of the living room and out into the physical world, I have become increasingly conscious of the quality of my voice, having had two bouts of throat 'activity'. I realise that others don't know how much better it could be it or even that it's not good enough, because generally people don't think like that. Generally, there is an appreciation of what is being shared. I am reminded of Lauryn Hill's live MTV album. She had a sore throat and explained, whilst sucking on a lozenge, that that's life. Sometimes you get a sore throat and it doesn't sound perfect, but perfect isn't what's important and striving for that perfection leads to all sorts of pressure which is not conducive to being present at all. I believe that sharing the idea and being fully present when doing so, is the name of the game. I always do the best I can and my best is good enough, I am just excited that my voice is returning to it's former glory.
 
After singing, I tried to do some work on Logic, to finish and tidy up the songs that I will eventually sell online and at gigs. However, the Universe had different ideas for me and my speakers are silent! I know when things like this happen that all is well and still happening perfectly. I don't get upset about it but see it as guidance, as though I am being directed to do something else.

So here I am, sitting before my laptop, being drawn into a room in my mind that I began making memories in, so long ago that it could well have been forgotten, were it not for my desire to pull this big old door open and see what exactly has been stored in there. On what is the light shining?
That is a question that I am uncovering and discovering right now. I don't have the answer yet but I know it includes a desire to connect with as many humans as possible and to share my music, my life, myself.

 "So when I'm going forward, and I have to go back, to examine and pull apart the pieces, I know I have to do that, to release all of the commotion, I'm feeling my life in motion, once again..." Change, Ann Made Music

The blog I am writing is about my musical journey, for the time I've been on this planet so far. As I'm starting from childhood, it's becoming more of an autobiography!!!! lol It feels a bit narcissistic to be writing about this. I have had thoughts like 'Nobody wants to hear this....What are you going on about?....who cares?' I realise that these are old 'tapes' that play occasionally and I am so grateful that I have been able to catch these 'clues' as to where I am resisting this process. It really boils down to fear and the prospect of criticism which are concerns of the future. I thank the Universe for these lyrics.

"The past is the road behind me, the future a fantasy, the present moment is the only thing I got, on into infinity..." Answer's With Me, Ann Made Music.

So talking of criticism, my nephew put one of my songs on his on Facebook wall today and one of his friend's commented, "This is shit" I could feel the anxiety rising in me and just allowed myself to feel it. I had a sensation of heat that rushed it's way throughout my body. I heard the immediate defensive reaction from the ego saying "You gotta protect yourself...he needs to know who you are...why don't you embarrass him...say something really clever yet spiritual at the same time so that he won't have a come back..." The ego hides in the places we would least expect to find it and is always enticing us to get up off of our knees and involve us in matters that are none of our business. It's sole aim is keeping itself alive by our defense of it. It serves only one purpose to criticise another because I have been criticised, to inflate a diminished ego. And though this may only be a conversation happening in my own mind, I know that I lose power when I engage in shit like that, never mind acting upon it!


Something else that has bubbled up to the surface pertains to becoming comfortable showing my own vulnerability. Offering my voice and song, means placing my heart on a platter for all to see. Showing the nakedness of my heart to the world, with nothing hidden, revealing my authentic self. My mind has the choice of going down one of two roads right now. One is the Ego saying "people will stamp on it....hide it quick....you must protect yourself....people might laugh at you" And the other is my Spirit Self saying "There can only be safety in exposing your heart...it is the point of life...as you show your softness to the world, so the world shows it's softness to you" I know which one is the get out of jail card and I'm taking it!

There are powerful lessons for me here because I am being asked to practice perfect equanimity, as they say in Vipassana. Placing myself in front of people who will have their opinions, judgements and criticisms is only part of a whole.  Also, by the same token, I know that people will have their opinions, praises, venerations, so maintaining the balance in the intoxication of the applause is imperative too. It's nice to receive praise but what is beautiful, is knowing that someone felt the words touch their heart.

My desire is to share my music with those who want to hear it. To help anyone in the same way that the songs have helped me. To share my joy with the world. Knowing the power of words and that the words have helped and continue to help me (as you've seen above) is my biggest confirmation that I am on the right track. That brings me joy because I know the effect of the words within my own life. I am on my knees and grateful that life is a simple and beautiful joy.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/ANN-MADE-MUSIC/106744339374551

A fitting analogy of Ann Made Music is that of a tree. This wasn't meant to turn into a poem but even when I'm not looking, it would seem that an involuntary rhyming muscle within my mind needs to be flexed and stretched every now and then! :D The  meter on the other hand....well all I can say is....that's jazz!

The seed was dropped deep in the earth many moons ago, needing only the courage of it’s own nature to inspire it to grow. 

And when that spark of Divinity ignited it's proliferation, this seedling, charged with desire for seeking, rippled quiet reverberations. 

It’s stem, slowly and steadily reaching up to the warmth of the sun, headed towards the earth’s surface to what it would become. 

As it pushed it's way up, it passed around all the stones and rocks it encountered and finally, piercing the ground, made it's secret life known to all it's surroundings. 

It's branches continued stretching up to the sky. It’s roots deeply planted underground, spreading far and wide, 

The trunk has grown solid and thick and there the music happily sits, within the leaves that have sustained it so far, la, la, la, la la, la la.