Going within when without is pulling so hard...

I am being benevolently eased into the lessons of balance. This is one of the things I love about life. Something happens which is not quite what might have been expected yet by stopping and becoming still the jewel of perspective shines on what is happening. Obviously, sometimes it takes time to gain the clarity but as long as I am kind to myself in the process, then I can learn about what is being presented to me. I am grateful that at the very least, I am seeing it. I don't even know if anyone will ever read this but I trust that if you are reading it, then you must have been lead here by your own inner guidance for some reason. Welcome to the inner life of my mind! The poet Mary Karr wrote: "Your mind's a dangerous neighborhood: don't go there alone." So on that note, I trust that we are not alone and that you'll be able to relate...if not, better run for the hills now!!!! lol


I'm sitting in bed continuing to write my blog 'In The Beginning There Was Music'....this is a lengthy process because I am being required to go back to where it all began and re-live specific times in my life. It's forcing me to stop and reassess where I am now....
I sang on the piano today and my voice is returning to it's sweet self. Hallelujah! Since bringing the songs out of the living room and out into the physical world, I have become increasingly conscious of the quality of my voice, having had two bouts of throat 'activity'. I realise that others don't know how much better it could be it or even that it's not good enough, because generally people don't think like that. Generally, there is an appreciation of what is being shared. I am reminded of Lauryn Hill's live MTV album. She had a sore throat and explained, whilst sucking on a lozenge, that that's life. Sometimes you get a sore throat and it doesn't sound perfect, but perfect isn't what's important and striving for that perfection leads to all sorts of pressure which is not conducive to being present at all. I believe that sharing the idea and being fully present when doing so, is the name of the game. I always do the best I can and my best is good enough, I am just excited that my voice is returning to it's former glory.
 
After singing, I tried to do some work on Logic, to finish and tidy up the songs that I will eventually sell online and at gigs. However, the Universe had different ideas for me and my speakers are silent! I know when things like this happen that all is well and still happening perfectly. I don't get upset about it but see it as guidance, as though I am being directed to do something else.

So here I am, sitting before my laptop, being drawn into a room in my mind that I began making memories in, so long ago that it could well have been forgotten, were it not for my desire to pull this big old door open and see what exactly has been stored in there. On what is the light shining?
That is a question that I am uncovering and discovering right now. I don't have the answer yet but I know it includes a desire to connect with as many humans as possible and to share my music, my life, myself.

 "So when I'm going forward, and I have to go back, to examine and pull apart the pieces, I know I have to do that, to release all of the commotion, I'm feeling my life in motion, once again..." Change, Ann Made Music

The blog I am writing is about my musical journey, for the time I've been on this planet so far. As I'm starting from childhood, it's becoming more of an autobiography!!!! lol It feels a bit narcissistic to be writing about this. I have had thoughts like 'Nobody wants to hear this....What are you going on about?....who cares?' I realise that these are old 'tapes' that play occasionally and I am so grateful that I have been able to catch these 'clues' as to where I am resisting this process. It really boils down to fear and the prospect of criticism which are concerns of the future. I thank the Universe for these lyrics.

"The past is the road behind me, the future a fantasy, the present moment is the only thing I got, on into infinity..." Answer's With Me, Ann Made Music.

So talking of criticism, my nephew put one of my songs on his on Facebook wall today and one of his friend's commented, "This is shit" I could feel the anxiety rising in me and just allowed myself to feel it. I had a sensation of heat that rushed it's way throughout my body. I heard the immediate defensive reaction from the ego saying "You gotta protect yourself...he needs to know who you are...why don't you embarrass him...say something really clever yet spiritual at the same time so that he won't have a come back..." The ego hides in the places we would least expect to find it and is always enticing us to get up off of our knees and involve us in matters that are none of our business. It's sole aim is keeping itself alive by our defense of it. It serves only one purpose to criticise another because I have been criticised, to inflate a diminished ego. And though this may only be a conversation happening in my own mind, I know that I lose power when I engage in shit like that, never mind acting upon it!


Something else that has bubbled up to the surface pertains to becoming comfortable showing my own vulnerability. Offering my voice and song, means placing my heart on a platter for all to see. Showing the nakedness of my heart to the world, with nothing hidden, revealing my authentic self. My mind has the choice of going down one of two roads right now. One is the Ego saying "people will stamp on it....hide it quick....you must protect yourself....people might laugh at you" And the other is my Spirit Self saying "There can only be safety in exposing your heart...it is the point of life...as you show your softness to the world, so the world shows it's softness to you" I know which one is the get out of jail card and I'm taking it!

There are powerful lessons for me here because I am being asked to practice perfect equanimity, as they say in Vipassana. Placing myself in front of people who will have their opinions, judgements and criticisms is only part of a whole.  Also, by the same token, I know that people will have their opinions, praises, venerations, so maintaining the balance in the intoxication of the applause is imperative too. It's nice to receive praise but what is beautiful, is knowing that someone felt the words touch their heart.

My desire is to share my music with those who want to hear it. To help anyone in the same way that the songs have helped me. To share my joy with the world. Knowing the power of words and that the words have helped and continue to help me (as you've seen above) is my biggest confirmation that I am on the right track. That brings me joy because I know the effect of the words within my own life. I am on my knees and grateful that life is a simple and beautiful joy.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/ANN-MADE-MUSIC/106744339374551

A fitting analogy of Ann Made Music is that of a tree. This wasn't meant to turn into a poem but even when I'm not looking, it would seem that an involuntary rhyming muscle within my mind needs to be flexed and stretched every now and then! :D The  meter on the other hand....well all I can say is....that's jazz!

The seed was dropped deep in the earth many moons ago, needing only the courage of it’s own nature to inspire it to grow. 

And when that spark of Divinity ignited it's proliferation, this seedling, charged with desire for seeking, rippled quiet reverberations. 

It’s stem, slowly and steadily reaching up to the warmth of the sun, headed towards the earth’s surface to what it would become. 

As it pushed it's way up, it passed around all the stones and rocks it encountered and finally, piercing the ground, made it's secret life known to all it's surroundings. 

It's branches continued stretching up to the sky. It’s roots deeply planted underground, spreading far and wide, 

The trunk has grown solid and thick and there the music happily sits, within the leaves that have sustained it so far, la, la, la, la la, la la.